Tuesday, August 16th, 2016
These past few months have been incredible. My world has been pummeled by unfortunate events. And as I sit here vulnerable and on the verge of tears, I know I’m better for it all. As motionless as I sometimes feel, the reality is, I haven’t been allowed to stand still. The perpetual motion is what keeps me sane. I’m growing and learning and it’s exhausting and beautiful and all of these words that I want to badly to find in this moment, but simply can’t.
I’ve reached this nomadic point in my life, where I have no sense of home or belonging, just an intensely selfish craving for more. More life, more love, more passion, more depth, more beauty, more sadness, more anything, and you don’t get the things you don’t ask for.
This belligerent passion I have for the quiet details that seek no attention is blinding. I want to embrace that. I want the peculiarities inside of me to thrive. To be the person that I want to be, I have to tweak and change the things in my control. I have to purge the negative from my life. The environment I’m in — the company that I keep. It’s an incredibly intimidating process to me, because these things make up who I am presently, just not necessarily the person I’m on the verge on becoming.
I’m always questioning what attracted all of these ethereal people and storybook circumstances to my world. Fate? Chance? Did I do something right in a past life? It’s humbling. That’s why I want to do better and that’s why I want to be better. I want to strive for something I know I’ll never be — deserving.
Something inside of me needs to be ignited. It’s scary to set your insides on fire, but the phoenix is always reborn from its ashes. I am nothing but questions and ethanol, and I’m about to light a match on myself.